


trying to love you

by buckybarnesthehotshot



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Bucky Barnes AU, Bucky Barnes Angst, Bucky Barnes Fanfic, Bucky barnes x reader - Freeform, F/M, Steve Rogers x Reader - Freeform, bucky barnes imagine, bucky barnes x y/n - Freeform, bucky barnes x you - Freeform, steve rogers x y/n - Freeform, winter soldier fanfic, winter soldier imagine, winter soldier x reader - Freeform, winter soldier x y/n, winter soldier x you
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-03
Updated: 2020-09-24
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:28:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,622
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26267254
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/buckybarnesthehotshot/pseuds/buckybarnesthehotshot
Summary: y/n gets tired of trying to love bucky
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes & Reader, James "Bucky" Barnes/Reader, Steve Rogers & Reader, Steve Rogers/Reader, slight steve rogers/reader - Relationship
Kudos: 55





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> based off another tumblr request i got

Bucky and y/n had a complicated relationship—if you could even call it that. y/n, as much as Bucky wouldn’t admit it, was the light of Bucky’s life. Hell, she was the light of the Avengers. She was great and she was the nicest person on the team. She was a fresh breath of innocence and kindness bestowed upon the team by Nick Fury.

That’s what alarmed Bucky so much when she decided she wanted to get closer to him; when she tried befriending him. Why would someone so innocent, so bright, want him? Why would she want to associate herself with his blood-stained and darkened soul?

“Bucky, I made cookies earlier and decided that maybe you want some. So, tell me, do you?” y/n smiled, walking into Bucky’s room. With an annoyed groan, he faced her, an impatient look on his face.

“No, I don’t. Maybe if you’d stop assuming things and did something worthwhile with your time like training, you’d end up with some improvement in your technique when it comes to your abilities on the field,” Bucky rolled his eyes, pushing the plate of cookies away from himself, accidentally pushing the plate of warm cookies onto the floor.

“Jeez, you could’ve said no,” y/n muttered, picking the cookies off the carpeted floor, her eyes filling with tears as the batch of cookies she’d just baked went to waste. Bucky, however, didn’t seem to understand why she’d been picking the cookies off the ground.

“y/n, didn’t your parents ever teach you not to eat food off the floor? God, even your manners are out of place here,” Bucky shook his head in disapproval, trying to hold back his instinct to help y/n pick the cookies off the floor.

“Sorry, I-I just didn’t want to leave a mess,” y/n bowed her head down, ashamed at how he’d been berating her as her voice broke. Compared to everyone else on the team, something about Bucky drew her closer to him; made him crave his approval. She just wanted to be enough for him. She just wanted him to love her the same way she loved him.

If she could turn her feelings of with a press of a button, she would have done in without thinking twice. By the gods of Asgard, love was a feeling that had her floating on air. A feeling that filled her with joy. But damn, loving Bucky Barnes was hard. Even after everything he’d put her through, she still found herself trying to love him.

The moment she’d picked off all the cookies from the floor, she headed into the corner of his room where his trash bin was, and dropped the plate of cookies into the bin, her eyes glossing over with tears. Bucky wanted to make his way across the room and apologize, but he couldn’t bring himself to do so.

‘It’s all an act,’ he’d told himself every time he found himself wanting to comfort y/n. He just knew that past that goody-two-shoes act, something was just too shady about y/n and her façade.

y/n, ignoring the tears welling up in her eyes, bolted out his room as fast as her legs could take her, into her bedroom—which unfortunately for her—right across from Bucky’s, slamming the door shut behind her.

She leaned against the wood of the door, sobbing her eyes out as she chastised herself yet again for what she’d just done. Silly her, she should have known better than to be nice to a man as cruel as Bucky. But damn it, she didn’t want to hurt Bucky. Not even after everything he’d put her through.

Unbeknownst to her, Bucky could hear every sob that tore through her body. It was one of the curses of having enhanced hearing. He somehow convinced himself that it was all a trick; that she was taking advantage of his enhanced hearing with her fake sobs.

Little did he know, y/n, as she sobbed, was already thinking up ways she could make it up to Bucky, unable to scratch the look of annoyance on his face from her brain. She felt as though she was wrong for trying to do something nice for Bucky. She felt as though she was the one suffocating him.

To Bucky’s relief, her sobs quieted down and with a sigh, she headed to her bed, telling herself she’d apologize to Bucky the day after that.

Little did she know, he had to leave extremely early that morning for an undercover mission. One he knew would take a while to accomplish as rushing the mission could put so much on the line.

Ignoring the pain in his heart when he boarded the quinjet without saying his goodbyes to her. Why would he, though? It wasn’t like she was anyone to him, right?

“Nat, do you know where Bucky is?” y/n questioned, skipping into the kitchen, seeing Nat sipping on a mug of dark coffee. Nat’s tired green eyes widened in shock at the realization that y/n didn’t know. Yesterday, she’d just assumed y/n baked Bucky a batch of cookies as a way to say goodbye and she broke down in tears knowing she wouldn’t see him in a while. Well, this was definitely one hell of a wrong assumption.

“Did you forget? He went on that undercover mission earlier today,” Natasha explained, her brows furrowing at the sight of the confusion on y/n’s face.

“Did I forget? Nat, I didn’t even now!” y/n exclaimed, her eyes welling up with tears. Of course, he wouldn’t tell her. It’s not like she was somebody to him based on the way he’d been repeatedly treating her.

“Wait, for reals? I really thought he would’ve told you about this mission. I mean seriously, he cares about you. I don’t know how caring about someone works, but I’m pretty sure that if you care about someone, you’d let them know before going to a mission for a couple months!” Nat gasped, wrapping her arms around y/n.

“Well, he doesn’t care about me. I’ll just have to deal with that, I guess,” y/n chuckled sadly, sobbing into Natasha’s shoulder. Finally, she was able to admit it to herself and someone; Bucky didn’t care about her. There was no point in trying to love him.

That was the first step for her to finally get over him. She knew that the distance—after she’d thought about it for quite a while—would work in her favor. She didn’t have to try getting Bucky to love her back if he wasn’t there.

Meanwhile, while working undercover in a luxury hotel in Malta with a handful of SHIELD agents, Bucky found himself lying in bed, unable to sleep, realizing there was no way y/n could have faked those sobs he’d heard from her room the day before he left.

It was there he realized that he broke her. y/n, the kindest most innocent person he knew, broke down into tears because of him. He’d never seen or heard her cry before that point. Not even during the times she’d been injured while she was out on the field. He fucked up and he knew he had to make it up to her when he got back.

Those two months, while working on the mission, his thoughts occasionally wandered off to those of y/n. He found himself wondering if she’s missed him or if she’d found someone new. Her smile was the first thing he imagined in the morning, her laugh the last thought on his head before drifting off to sleep; dreams of her filling his head. 

He’d thought distancing himself from y/n was going to get him to forget the instinct to gravitate closer to her, but it did the exact opposite. He found himself craving for y/n’s presence while he was away.

That was probably why it stung when he got off the quinjet, a swarm of clapping SHIELD agents surrounding them as he and the SHIELD team got off the aircraft. There were at least a hundred agents surrounding them in the hangar, but none of them were y/n.

He moved through the multiple floors and rooms of the compound in search of y/n. His mind was finally put at ease the moment he heard it; her beautiful giggle coming from the lounge area of the compound.

He got closer and closer to y/n before his eyes widened at the sight in front of him; y/n was watching a movie as she usually did on weekends. The only difference was she was now cuddling up to Steve’s side.

He was too late. She was finally tired of trying to love him and moved on to someone they both knew could return the same love she gave. Though it pained him, that man just wasn’t him.


	2. trying to love you too

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> maybe y/n isn't so tired of trying to love Bucky

For days, Bucky barricaded himself in his room as he wallowed in his sadness, left alone to wonder about what could have been had he not pushed y/n away and into the arms of another man; Steve Rogers, his best friend.

Of course, he couldn’t blame either of them. y/n—obviously—didn’t have a clue about the feelings Bucky harbored for her. Hell, he wouldn’t be surprised if after everything he’d done to her, she’d think he hated her. And Steve? Despite knowing Bucky for so long, he didn’t have a clue either about how Bucky felt about y/n. Not even Bucky knew about the feelings he had for her before it was too late.

No matter how much he loved her, he knew he couldn’t act upon his feelings; not when she was finally happy with Steve.

Or at least, he felt that way for days until early in the morning, a distinct knock rang through the room.

“FRIDAY, who’s there?” Bucky questioned, lying face down on his tear-stained pillow.

"Agent l/n is standing outside your door. Shall I let her in?” FRIDAY questioned, pulling a tired groan from Bucky.

“What does she want?” Bucky groaned, sitting upright in his bed.

“I’m right outside, Barnes, I can fucking hear you. Nat told me you haven’t left your room for days and well, you’ve gotta eat something,” came her voice, muffled by the door.

“And why do you care?” Bucky scoffed, catching her off-guard. She didn’t know what to tell him because she didn’t know why she cared about him either. After everything they’d been through, she should’ve stayed away knowing he’d hurt her again.

“Because we’re teammates. We have to look out for each other, Buck,” y/n managed to tell him, “open the damn door, I have pancakes.”

Bucky chuckled, getting up from his bed and heading to the door.

“FRIDAY, the door,” Bucky commanded as the door slid open to reveal a flour-covered y/n standing at the door, a tray of breakfast food in her hands.

“I thought you said you had pancakes,” Bucky mumbled staring in awe at the variety of food on the metal tray.

“I do. There’s just some extra food there too in case you were hungry. I worked hard on all that, please don’t throw it to the ground this time,” y/n chuckled bitterly, her eyes wandering around the room for somewhere to set the tray down on. Bucky’s throat tightened at her remark, the guilt of the way he mistreated y/n all those months ago.

“Oh uh, let me get that,” Bucky mumbled, taking the tray from y/n’s hands and setting it on his messy writing des.

“I’m gonna go now,” y/n chuckled awkwardly, shrugging against the doorframe before she was stopped by Bucky placing his arm on her forearm, holding her in a gentle grip. He knew he had to get everything off his chest and if he was going to do it, it was at that moment.

“y/n, I’m sorry. I’ve been an ass to you for so many months and you didn’t deserve any of it. You were just trying to be nice to me and I took it all for granted,” Bucky started, only to be interrupted by y/n.

“Bucky, it’s okay. I swear, you don’t have to worry about it,” y/n reassured him, giving him an awkward pat on the back.

“But it’s not okay, y/n! I was fucked up and it was a fucked up way for me to deal with my feelings for you!” Bucky exclaimed, instantly regretting the way he’d spilled everything to y/n.

“Feelings? Barnes, I swear to god, if this is another one of your cruel mind tricks, I will fucking murder you,” y/n shook her head I denial, slowly backing out of the room.

“I-I love you, y/n and now I’m realizing that absolutely nothing can change that” Bucky shook his head, still holding onto y/n’s forearm.

“No! You’re not being fair, Bucky. It’s not fucking fair to Steve. It’s not fair to me,” y/n huffed, whispering out the last part.

“He-he’ll understand,” Bucky mumbled.

“What if I don’t want you? What if all my feelings for you are gone?” y/n questioned, glaring down Bucky, her words adding weight to his chest as he struggled to breathe.

“What?” Bucky looked confused as y/n scoffed.

“I’m not just going to follow you around wherever, Barnes. I’m not going to be someone who waits around, who gives everything, only to be treated like shit. That’s not love,” y/n scoffed.

“Look me in the eyes and tell me that what you and Steve have is love,” Bucky challenged her, his voice breaking.

“What Steve and I have is none of your business,” y/n shook her head, sucking in a breath between her teeth.

“Then tell me that what you guys have is love,” Bucky prodded.

“I-I can’t! I don’t fucking know what love is anymore, okay? I thought I loved you, but is it really love if you continue to toss me aside like I mean nothing to you because I know for a damn fact that isn’t what love is supposed to feel like,” y/n rolled her eyes before pulling her arm away from him and dashing as far from his room as possible. 

Bucky didn’t dare chase after her. He couldn’t find it in himself to comprehend the words that spilled from her lips; she loved him. She loved him and he hurt her.

“The biggest asshole award of the year goes to you, punk,” Bucky sighed, glaring at his own reflection in the mirror.

He knew y/n as right; love wasn’t supposed to hurt as much as it did for her. His brain flipped through memories of the times y/n treated him with nothing but kindness, yet he pushed her away in the worst ways possible.

Once again, he was left alone to ponder about what could have been had he learned to embrace those feelings he had for her.

y/n made her way to the cinema room where she’d promised to meet with Steve for their movie—not-so—night. They both worked busy schedules, but they promised each other they’d make time to at least watch a movie together once a week.

y/n found him there in a bundle of pillows, blankets, and snacks with the screen showing the title card for yet another movie Peter told Steve was the “highlight of the century”.

“Hey, baby,” y/n greeted him, a smile painted on her face as she wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling him down for a quick kiss.

“I brought snacks for you,” Steve offered, pulling away and handing her a bowl full of her favorite chocolates.

“Score!” y/n exclaimed excitedly, snatching the bowl of sweets from his hands. “So, what are we watching today?”

“Child’s Play,” Steve responded unsurely, reading the title card.

“Ooh, let’s do this thing,” y/n chuckled excitedly, settling into the bundle of pillows and blankets.

“So, how’d your talk with Bucky go?” Steve questioned, raising a brow as y/n nuzzled into his chest.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” y/n shook her head in dismissal.

“What’d he do this time?” Steve questioned, his brows furrowing in concern.

“He told me he loved me,” y/n whispered quietly as Steve’s eyes widened; he had no idea Bucky felt that way towards y/n. Steve nodded as he processed the information.

“And how did you react?” Steve questioned.

“I snapped at him; I told him I didn’t love him then I tried to run,” y/n shrugged nervously.

“Tried? What happened?” Steve’s brows furrowed in further confusion and concern.

“He stopped me then asked if I loved you,” y/n revealed, earning a nod from Steve.

“I’m guessing you said no?” Steve questioned, knowing about the feelings the h/c-haired girl harbored for his best friend.

“I told him I didn’t know what love was,” y/n answered honestly, tears lining her eyes as Steve wrapped his arms around, his body offering a comforting warmth. 

“I understand. But tell me this, do you love him?” Steve questioned, leaving the girl silent for a moment before she responded with a slow nod.

“Steve I’m so sorry, none of this is fair to you and I—” y/n rambled, only to cut herself off when she saw the gentle smile on Steve’s face.

“Stop thinking so much about me. y/n, if you still love him, you should tell him that,” Steve told her, making her shake her head in denial.

“There is no way I’m letting myself get hurt. Not again,” y/n frowned.

“y/n, maybe there was a reason he treated you like he did. Look, what he just told you doesn’t change the fact that he hurt you in the past, but maybe you could find it in yourself to forgive him,” Steve urged her.

“Steve—" y/n found herself unable to come up with a response to what he said, so she cut herself off instead.

“y/n, I care about you and I know you care about me, but we both know we were never meant for each other,” Steve chuckled, memories of Peggy and how he would do anything for her flashing through his head. He himself knew Peggy Carter was the love of his life and no matter how hard he would try, he would never find a love greater than the one he had for the fiery strong-willed agent. 

“But Steve—” y/n tried, only to be interrupted by Steve raising his hand in front of her face.

“No. You are going to go back to his room and you are going to talk to him. That is an order, l/n,” Steve commanded her, using his authoritative ‘Captain’ voice.

“How the hell am I supposed to make it up to you?” y/n breathed out, wrapping her arms around Steve in a tight hug.

“Well, for starters, you could help me get through this whole list of movies Peter gave me,” Steve chuckled, holding up a piece of paper covered Peter’s messy handwriting listing own all the movie recommendations the teen left Steve.

“Deal,” y/n nodded before grabbing a piece of candy from the bowl, “but can we finish watching this before I go to talk to him? I just kind of want to see your reaction when all the stabby shit happens.”

“Wait what? I thought this was some sort of kids movie Peter watched growing up,” Steve’s eyes widened nervously.

“Oh, boy. You are in for a ride!” y/n exclaimed excitedly, settling once again into the stack of pillows.

Who would have thought a murderous doll chasing people around with a knife would have been enough to make the great Captain America hide behind a blanket with a horrified expression on his face.

“The movie’s over, you can stop hiding now,” y/n chuckled teasingly as Steve peeled the blanket away from his face.

“The movie’s over, you can talk to Bucky now,” Steve mocked, pulling a groan from y/n as she got up from the seat and headed away from the movie room and to Bucky’s door.

“Segreant Barnes, Agent l/n is at the door,” FRIDAY announced, pulling Bucky away from his own self-pity for the

“y/n?” he questioned, his brows furrowing in confusion; why would she be back there?

“Can you please open the door?” y/n requested, a nervous smile on her face—not that Bucky could see it, though.

Bucky slowly made his way to the door, fixing his hair to the best of his ability, not wanting to show y/n how miserable he really was without her.

“Why are you he—” Bucky questioned, only to be cut off by y/n’s lips on his, leaving him in confusion. Eventually, he began kissing her back as his arms made their way around her waist.

“Hi,” y/n mumbled, pulling away from Bucky, her forehead pressed to his.

“What was that for?” Bucky questioned, his pretty blue eyes piercing into her e/c ones.

“I love you. It’s terrifying, but I love you,” y/n chuckled nervously.

“You d—wait, what about Steve?” Bucky questioned, confused at her revelation.

“He just isn’t you,” y/n shrugged, nervously biting her lip.

“And you’re sure you want to be with me?” Bucky questioned, a nervous smile on his face.

“The answer is yes. Now, shut up and kiss me,” y/n chuckled, pulling Bucky back to her.


End file.
